The original title for this post was going to be Fear is a Bitch. But I’m not really in a drama queen kind of mood.
Most of you know I belong to an awesome online running group. I’ve said it several times and I’ll keep saying it, there is no way I could have achieved the goals I have without them. The other day I posted this to the group:
Welcome to Suckville. Population: ME!
For the last few months my training has sucked. My diet has sucked. My attitude has sucked. My desire has sucked. My motivation has sucked. In two days I run what will possibly be my last “racing” 5K. I fully expect the results to resemble exactly what I’ve put into the last few months. I own it. I accept it. Doesn’t mean I have to stay there. Monday, shit gets real again. I have goals. Very big, very attainable goals. But it requires me to get my head out of my ass and do the work. The guy I look at in the mirror is a coward and it’s time for him to get his ass in gear. No more excuses.
Obviously I received lots of comments and support. It’s what they do. Constantly uplifting everyone in the group. I did have a few people reach out to me directly, though. One in particular really wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on. She knew things hadn’t been right with me. She’d also had a bottle of wine that night. So she was very direct and very blunt. After we were done talking I told her that I had been thinking of writing this post and she encouraged me to do it.
I think about where my head is right now, where it has been for the last six months, and I always come back to a clip from Rocky III. In fact, I watch that clip and it’s like a punch to the stomach. Yes, it’s a bit over the top, but the message is the same.
I was not 100% going into the Portland Marathon. Then the disaster between mile 18-20 where my body decided it had enough. But even worse, my mind quit. I came out of that race scared and I haven’t gotten over it. Then throw in the peroneal tendonosis that caused me to miss a big chunk of training. And it’s not like that injury was some freak accident. I did that all by myself as a result of improper training.
I used to embrace the discomfort that came with training. To me, it said I was progressing and making changes to my body that would make me faster. Now, every little twinge or ache and I’m having doubts about what I’m doing. Is that a good pain or a bad pain. Hell, I don’t know any more. Now, my mind easily convinces my body that an extra rest day or cutting a run short is perfectly acceptable. Just being safe! Probably the worst part of this has been my mental approach to my eating habits. I used to say I was more afraid of returning to the person I used to be than anything that lied ahead of me. I’m inside my head so much now that I’ve returned to some very unhealthy eating habits. This. Must. Stop!
So, how do you get out of something like this? Beats the hell out of me. But I’m trying to go with the mind set that Rocky had…EF it, let’s dance! Win or lose, no regrets! Show up every damn day and put in the work. On race day, toe the line and give it all you got! I’m putting the finishing touches on my half marathon plan today and we will start fresh tomorrow.
The running group is even “chipping in” to help get me out of my funk. Quite a few of us are meeting up at the RW Festival in October. So, one gentleman (I use that term loosely) made a tongue in cheek comment that I agreed to run as many miles between now and then as the whole group ran this weekend. Someone else decided that was a great idea so started a thread for everyone to post their miles from the weekend. I posted that it was done as a joke. But the posts kept coming in with people’s miles. Some even going longer or running again just to boost the mileage. So I did a quick little math and made the following post:
So here’s the deal…
Tally up all the miles ran by the group this weekend. Then double it! I will run at least that by Runners World! Do your worst punks!
They have until midnight tonight to post their miles to a log my buddy Andy put together. So far we are just shy of 500 miles (meaning I would have to run almost 1000). He even gave them a place to put comments that I could read. Some are pretty damn funny! So, will this help get me out of my funk? No clue. Maybe it’s exactly what I need though. Some goal that doesn’t really involve my goals. What I do know is that my mindset needs to change. Get that taken care of and I think the rest will fall into place.