What the hell?!

That title seems appropriate, especially since a good friend asked me that exact same question after reading my post on Facebook.

I’m not going to go into a lot of detail in this post as I really want to take the time to get my thoughts together for a coherent post that really gets at what is bothering me. **I’m adding this addendum as once I started writing it didn’t stop, so I’m just going with it**

Last night one of my coworkers passed away.  It wasn’t completely unexpected, but it still stings like hell.  I wasn’t exceptionally close with her but we got a long just fine.  We were constantly giving each other a hard time.  She was quite diminutive as a result of life long health challenges.  She would always make fun of my size and I would constantly call her troll.  It really was a term of endearment and she fully grasped that.

The last year had been exceptionally tough on her physically.  She had been in and out of the hospital a few times.  It was becoming obvious to everyone, including her, that things were not getting better.  Even though she was only in her late 40’s we all started having discussions with her about retiring.  It was time for her to move on to more important things in her life and not worry about coming into the office any longer.  Because of her failing health, just coming to work was a severe challenge.  She kept insisting privately that without the need to get up in the morning and come into the office she just wouldn’t know what to do with her self.  Even to the point of her saying she didn’t know how long she would live without the need to go someplace every day.  And roughly two weeks ago her family essentially said that she would most likely not be returning to the office.  At that point, I truly believe, she lost the will to fight.

Why so much emotion on my part?  Sure, it sucks losing someone you know.  But there was more to it than that.  I was pissed.  I had a few conversations with my coworker about living life.  How she didn’t need to be tied to the job that was obviously making her worse.  Who really knew how much time she had left.  And I realized I was pissed at myself.  Why is my life any different than hers.  No, I didn’t have major life altering conditions to battle with on a daily basis.  But that doesn’t mean that my life can’t end as abruptly.

Our own mortality is never something we want to really think about.  I know when I give it serious thought it scares the shit out of me.  But too many of us, myself included, live our life with no sense of urgency.  Oh, we will get to it tomorrow.  We act like we have all the time in the world.  In reality, we never know how much time we have left.  We all have a list of things we want to get to some day.  What if some day never comes?  What is the point of having a list of things we want to do if you never really plan on doing them?

I’m just as guilty as everyone else of this.  I let fear and doubt cripple me.  What if this happens or that happens.  WHO CARES!  Get off your ass and get busy!  You have two choices in life…live or die.  I strongly suggest you pick one and get after it!

RIP Traci



One thought on “What the hell?!

  1. Lonnie, sorry to hear about your coworker passing. As one of my mentors says constantly, “the mortality rate is still stuck at 100%”. This definitely makes me think about my own life, and about the choices I’ve made…both good and bad.

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